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as i said to hoyah, my so called "asexual side" is sonic. when i watch sonic and video games, i have not much intrest in anything else.


this made my day.

zomgz edits 83Collapse )

new year

i made a couple of new year resolutions but i don't know if i really will fulfill them...(spelling..who cares OO;)

i don't know if it's because i've been lacking sleep, or that i am losing my hormones but i'm so sad that i have no inspiration whatsoever. and i think because i started my kick back into anime (well my old love for anime anyway) and suddendly my art didn't progress forward it just spun downward. i began to draw like i did (only better in a sense which is good) when i was fourteen. and i hate this because i'm starting to lose what i was good at. man what really upsets me is i have no idea for a new story. like without the fandoms and people to help me. i cannot create a person in my head and just push that forward. i have zero, but i want to really re-do this girl. there's something not right. and it makes me really upset. i think what else that bothers me is i cannot draw fabric folds or hands. i can't draw clothes or come up with cute little outfits for my characters, it really makes me sad that i have to depend on stuff from pictures i look at. i have no detail or concepts. (that and character concepts = shit.) i want to go back to school and be challenged, i want to be told to draw things i never could, i want to be told to make something new and never before seen. i want to have a style. i'm sick and tired of drawing this style that everyone else is doing. i pushed forward for a bit..i mean i draw too much junsu for my own fucking good. by the way. i dunno if i even want to go back to that fandom. as much as i love them among close friends..all of a sudden i'm seeing a bad blur. everywhere i'm going it's becoming stranger and stranger, no likes of things no personality. everything is dull. i think my characters don't have life yet. i think that's why i'm so pissed there is no fucking life. everyone is a genetic copy of something i'm looking for. all genderless or half and half. no real reason behind it, no background, no past to add that to. all my characters are in a black pit waiting to be used for something and each idea that i get or i am getting at that moment is something i've seen done. everyone's done it, it's the same. i want to be unique i want to have something personal. i want to write a story and create something possible in a impossible situation. i don't want my story to be set in japan or korea. i want it american but with a flair of asian pop culture. i want to be the best, as you can see in what i'm writing i am passionate. i get really upset, i get really happy, i become a part of my work because of the patience i put into each person.

i love people, i love watching people but how in the hell can i turn it into something? maybe i'll go back years from now and read this smiling at the things i've accomplished.

i think i'm going to read the book my boss gave me for christmas, maybe i'll find inspiration from there.
i've been kinda sick, and kinda bleh. that's why i haven't been really online so much. kinda avoiding the world so-to-speak. so today out of the whole darn weekend, ya know when i'm the happiest...god why do i let myself down so easily? i said "happy birthday" to someone, not realizing it was actually a surprise birthday party. -_____-. now they're saying happy birthday and i am not even going to try to join the festivites, i don't feel like i deserve to go out there and smile.

i shouldn't let small things get to me...
but i miss my best friend, i haven't seen him for so long
i'm stressing over things when i know i shouldn't

...but that doesn't mean i should force myself to let all things go.

i accept that my day was halfway good and halfway bad. i know the night isn't over completely. it's only just beginning.

but if i'm told i was very close to ruining something... to me i screwed it all up completely.

sorry everyone if i let you all down. i'm trying to put a real smile on my face, things just take time.

gomen ne

....it's the good kind of indescribable

okay, so here i am at work, drinking all sorts of teas. now gotta admit, i'm starting to fall in love with tea. because of my job.....i'm loving things that i never expected to love. it's scary but, hey! new stuff is a good thing right!?

okay now to my indescribable feeling.

....i'm having this tea, um...it's called +zao: wild sweet orange herbal infusion

it apparently has a blend of sweet citrus herbs and an orange essences...now here's where the indescribable part comes in...i taste this thing, first i smell it and it has an essence but orange? ehhh not quite...but i'm lost cause i don't whether i like it or not yet and usually i judge immediately when i take a whif of something >>; but i was like "urrrr....8D.....okay....." so now i drink it and suddendly these hits of citrus and spice are attacking my tongue and i'm like "O____o;;;; whut. ;A;? nani? this is....um...weird....." so i feel the after taste and i am eating sugar cookies and this taste is so woah..."okay...it's GOOD 8D! *drinks again*...........wait wtf O_o;;;;; *dips with cookies, bites* 8D OOOH *drinks and mixes cookies* O-O;;;; eh? *adds one more sugar, drinks* O_O;;;; ;A; WTF I DUNNO WHETHER I LIKE THIS OR NOT..."

and i am still here, unsure and indescribable of this tea. it smells okay and it tastes okay but...i don't know if i want another one.

p.s.: because it says CAFFINE FREE, maybe that's why the taste is somewhat strange, but so far so good.

;A; i wanna go hommmmmmmeeeeeeeee....i'm so achey. it's gonna be a tough week. LUCK FOR ME!

p.p.s.: ;A; Maosu is srs business. icons, make. yes. right.
WHO IM'D ME!? D: I'm sorry! I clicked no. IM ME AGAIN ;_________________;
i'm so terrified of doing all this work, bringing it late, losing my place. i mean i'm afraid to fail, it's like a bullet aiming right at me in such a slow pattern, and as much as i try to move...i'm even slower than the bullet. i know my dad is encouraging me, and my family, friends and even my boss is trying so damn hard to help me believe i can do it...but i feel like i'm not great enough to write, not special enough to be accepted. if only my way of getting in was to paint a beautiful story with pencils and ink, i'm proud of that...

i am decided to write up a few grants, see if i win any. there are so many people wanting that free money, wanting to get it and use it for their own future..so do i. with a part-time job i can't make it, not at this point no. and health insurance, what about that? i need to be in school to keep my insurance, i want to be sure i can get a really good job by the time i'm 24..or something to that effect.

i'm terrified of taking the time, doing the work..scared that i'll miss it..if i focus too hard i'll fall behind other places. it's just like rp..well long ago.

"if i have a job i can't rp"

now it's

"if i write up grants, write up essays, have a job (or two) and go to school..i'll get lost somewhere down the line and fail."

and i hate feeling like this, i don't like it when my mind has a demise planned. a movie plays over and over i'll do all this work, and not have the grant, get c grades on my essays, give up on school and never make it in my job or sva. i hate the picture that plays in my mind, i want to kick it and turn it into garbage, cause that's what it is.

that's what happens, i plan my faults out already, so to be set up when it happens, but no. i can't think like that. i wanna see me working to the bone, going towards that goal. the school i've longed for. the dream that i want to persue. i know when i have it, i'll be sticking out that a dimond ring, i just hate the negative. i don't like the negative feelings that tie me down.

but i'm going to try, i'm going to look into a few grants, check for pictures i can use for a portfolio, apply into the school...something..start somewhere.

maybe then i can really think about having a job.
maybe i can do all that, i mean seriously i'll be in school only five more saturdays....just get all that work done (while working towards sva) and i'm fine...maybe i got it luckier...

Sep. 6th, 2006

contains strange stuffCollapse )
Create your own! Originally Written By ga_woo, Hosted and ReWritten by darkman424

hahahah notice how i have a million strange things XD kinky or otherwise yet...i have one big picture of george bush plastered up there ;D. woot i am offically strange. anywhose X>

going now.

taken from lchan18's journal~
leaving early on a'count i need to go to family market and pick me up some things...this is another sign as to why i need me a job..this weekend (and after going to my first day back in schoo)l i am going to do some serious job hunting >[. then i'll probably head back here and draw a bit. i really wanna do something insane..

yes. i want to be a star.

on the other hand i've been thinking, maybe i'll get the guts to take a plane ride somewhere, maybe meet some people. first money, right.

ah best buddy in my dream school >>; i wonder how he is today...i need to call him and make sure he is happy and not completely lost somewhere, and >> makesurethatheisnotlosingit. --;;;

there are a couple of things i'd like to do, paint an interesting picture
write an epic poem of some sorts...(maybe a story if i am brave enough)
draw something spectacular..and actually take some time on it
go see a few comedy shows (carlos mencia, greg proops)

a few gallery looks >l I dunno...

we'll see how everything goes, first and foremost in my mind as of now.

family market-must get calpis and bread! *9*!

Aug. 31st, 2006

strawberry calpis (calpico yogurt drink) + pocky = ♥

especially while watching i love the 70's volume 2.
sick = not cool. however entertain yourselves :].

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have fun ;]